The Man Who Fucked His Way Across Chelsea and Back Again - Part 17

THE GOLDEN CAR

So there was tall and feisty Jemima Barnes, who was once Jemima Cone, but who married Rupert Barnes, the tycoon, who later divorced her when in 2032 she was caught at one of the most notorious fetish parties in London, a spectacular Bacchanalian affair at Lady Leonora Wattleshott’s penthouse at Chelsea Harbour. Jemima supposedly leg-wanked a host of leg lovers into ecstasy in snagged Wolfords that night, including several Lords. I imagine some of the Lords were sporting Wolfords too. Lady Leonora was sporting a see-through fishnet dress and ten thousand pound leather Hermes Birkin bag full of Asprey sex toys. She also wore Chanel quilted leather knee-high boots and a large feathery black hat that wouldn’t have been out of place in the Royal Enclosure at Royal Ascot. Her picture was all over the web. She wore the same outfit for Ascot that year. Her outfit was driving men into insanity. Several people died overdosing on Everlust. One man had such a fierce orgasm; he keeled over off the balcony and smashed himself up on the bonnet of Lord Rabbler’s Aston Martin, while Lord Rabbler was wanking off on the back seat with Venetia Leerbourne-Zeal.
Now Jemima was clinging to the leather penis like a hungry lioness, licking the ridge of the glans, scratching her fingers along the double-stitched seams of leather. Soft Hermes leather. Jemima was completely naked aside from a pair of Chanel brown and cream leather strappy platform wedges, large green sparkly chiffon scarf and her vintage Dior black leather saddle bag. A crowd outside the Duke of Clarence, Old Brompton Road cheered and whistled as the kinky caravan glided by, with Honor’s peaked cap adding refinement, as her Givenchy leather gloved hands steered the golden car as it glided two feet off the road surface. Jibby’s party was mobile! The police would be turning a blind eye to Lord Baslington and Jibby Bream’s exploits. The police balls were always well stocked with champagne due to Lord Baslington’s generous offerings!
‘Oh my god. Darlings, we are all soooo terribly cool!’ sang Skinny Boodle with her long chestnut hair trailing and blowing in the breeze. She was playing with my erect cock and she looked at me and said ‘Not you, you thing from the gutters of London, with your big dirty hard willy, you’re not one of the smart set. The wanking hobo, ha ha. A one cock show. A piece of disgusting conceptual art devised on one of Jibby’s whims.’
Zanna Buxham grabbed her pink leather strap-on dildo with one hand and shifted on the cool cream leather car seat ‘Yah he’s completely common. We’re the smart set, darling, in this new improved elitist London, with all its frivolity and heat and terribly snobby bourgeoisie. We should dump the pikey soon, he’s starting to get a bit whiffy. Ha ha ha ’ She took over from Skinny, wanking me fast and dexterously.
‘Yah, darling’ added Skinny, in between sucking Lord Baslington’s bionic member ‘We should dump him or we’ll all catch beastly hobo fleas. Ha ha ha’
Lord Baslington laughed blessedly loud.
‘I just love the night air, it feels so good on this big cock’ announced Jemima as she rubbed her crotch against the leather cock, as it followed the car.
‘Darlings, I’m sooo having another orgasm’ purred Zara, gripping my cock, guzzling Krug as Lord Baslington rubbed Cameron, the navy blue dildo against her clit. ’Oh my god. I love the Brompton fucking Road.’
‘What do you like?’ grinned Lord Baslington, circling the dildo head around her g-spot.
‘Mmmmmm Mmmmmm mmmmm the Brompton Rrrrrrrroad’ Zara moaned and groaned.
‘Mmmmmmmmmmmm’ agreed Princess Zuleika as I kissed her Balenciaga gladiator boot heels. ‘The Brompton Road is a beautiful boulevard oh it is so exquisite nowadays, with all the tall trees and palm trees and columns and facades’
Buxham chipped in ‘Um…there’s not as much room in this car. Pikey peasant man, come and sit on my knee to make some room before we throw you out into some yobbo suburb’
I was not averse to sitting on Zanna Buxham’s lap, with the pink dildo pressing in my back, buzzing. Her sexy Zuhair Murad shoes with heels higher than high. I wanked off, sitting on her comfy bare knee.
‘Now lick my boots’ ordered Skinny. Skinny’s short little gold dildo dress was sparkling in the evening lights. Her silk Gucci scarf was fluttering in peoples faces. I ran my lips along her John Galliano super elevated black leather knee-high boots with wood heels and zips down the inside and outside. I ran my lips along the zips, as I wanked and wanked, on Buxham’s lap.
‘Yah make my Galliano’s fucking shine, hobo’ Skinny said, sipping on a cocktail she had extracted from the fridge in the back of the Roller.
‘Make her boots shine like a polished helmet’ added Zara. ‘Make them fucking shine like moist lips at a disco in Belgravia, you dirty, filthy, disgusting pleb, ha ha ha’ Zara snorted coke out of Princess Zuleika’s handbag. ‘Mmmmmm leather and Charles! Yum yum’
Buxham added a fact ‘Yah, Zara’s daddy was friends with Prince Hairy! She’s practically the Queen of fucking England’
‘Yah’ agreed Zara with a huge grin, dripping with saliva and spunk from one of Lord Baslington’s fierce ejaculations ‘I’m blue blooded with a big fucking blue leather dildo up my arse, mmmmm mmmmm yah mmmm yahhhh mmmmm’
‘Soooo divine’ purred Jibby, taking photos of the current wave of depravity.
‘Oh darlings’ said Jemima, sitting up on the big leather penis drinking a cocktail ‘You’re all going to be bathing in a car full of manjuice if Bazzer carries on, I shall have to rescue you with the penis lifeboat!’
‘I should hope so too’ babbled Lord Baslington, jerking off and shooting globules like a Gatling gun on Skinny’s boots.
‘We’ll soon all be snogging and fucking in the Baslington Sea!’ Shrieked Zara, watching the Lord ejaculating like an unrestrained buffalo.
‘Oh how extraordinarily chic’ purred Jibby. ‘An archipelago of leather handbags floating on a creamy ocean of sex piss’
‘Yeah, keep wanking Bazzer’ I laughed.
‘Shut up pleb, shut up’ snapped Skinny. ‘He’s Lord Baslington, how dare you speak to him like that’

Honor drove the car out of London and into the sweltering Surrey countryside, with Tamara Wirt in the front, laughing and drinking champagne, feeling Honor’s legs and boots. They stayed a constant temperature.
‘Oh my god, they made you so beautiful’ said Tamara.
‘I know, darling. They did a pretty good job with you too’ winked Honor, in her green leather suit and peaked cap.
‘I hope they don’t throw the pikey out, I think it’s awfully naughty of Zanna Buxham, she’s such a snob’ Tamara said.
‘Tamara, darling’ Buxham overheard ‘Do you like dirty gypo cocks up your vagina then?’
‘I’m told she most certainly does’ added Skinny, fanning herself.
‘Tamara wants your big hobo cock up her’ Buxham purred in my ear, nibbling my earlobes ‘She wants your dirty pikey knob up her disgustingly posh cunt! Don’t you, Tamara darling’
‘Oh you crave it too, Zanna darling, you can’t keep your privileged hands off his willy’ Tamara rebutted.
‘Your privileged hands’ breathed Lord Baslington ‘I like privileged hands on my cock’
Buxham was quiet for a while, giggling, drinking a cocktail and smoking a Havana cigar, with Lord Baslington’s leather top hat on. It was quiet for a time while she jerked off Lord Baslington.
‘Mmmmmmmmmmm! Oh my god. I’ve had sooooo many orgasms’ interrupted Zara, smoking a Davidoff.
‘Darling, how many?’ purred Jibby.
‘Oh at least thitty!’ Zara slurred.
‘Thitty!! That’s super’ said Jibby, smiling.
‘Hurrahh for Zara’ clapped Skinny.
She either meant thirty or fifty I thought, or somewhere in between.
‘Oh my god. I love the tropical country air’ sang Jemima, ‘I’ve always wanted to ride a giant leather willy through the mango trees of Surrey. Gosh it’s so much warmer out of London, simply no cooling machines this far out’
‘Yah, sooo awfully nice to escape the decadence of London’ said Tamara, snorting coke off a diamond-studded gold-framed Asprey mirror.
‘Oh such fucking sensible chatter going on in the front’ snapped Buxham, rubbing her strap-on dildo.
She bit my earlobe ‘Come on let’s fuck like naughty rabbits. The hotter it gets, the hornier I get. Come on you pikey man, fuck me!’
It was a good bunk up, as they used to say in Dagenham. The air was a nice mixture of tropical flora and posh leather and sweet perfume. Buxham moved well, rippling the muscles in her vagina, straddling me with her leather clad back to me, as my hard cock pumped like a piston from behind.
‘Oh yahhhh mmmmmm oh yahhhh mmmmm dirty dirty hobo cock mmmmm yahhhh mmmmmm sooooo big sooooo good’ Buxham was a good talker.
I recalled the sexy picture of her in the Totler from a few years ago. She was sitting on a big red curvaceous leather sofa at her house in The Boltons, sitting cross-legged in black leather knee high boots by Prada and a green Chanel tweed skirt suit and a blue Marc Jacobs Stella bag. I think she had just moved in at The Boltons and I remember tearing that page out of the magazine and wanking furiously over it in a lavatory somewhere.
‘Mmmmmmm pikey cock mmmmmmm big lovely dirty hard cock mmmmmmm’ Buxham moved beautifully.
Skinny rubbed her boot across my face as an added bonus ‘Lick my Galliano boots while Zanna Buxham sits on your cock ha ha ha’
I was on the brink. Then I was more than on the brink.
‘Mmmmmmm you disgusting hobo mmmmmmmmm you are sooooo dis…..guss….ting….mmmmmmm yahhhh mmmmmm’
Then I came while biting the gold zip pull on Skinny’s boot, I came like the clappers.
Then we all heard an old tractor trying to start. I grew very faint as the Surrey woodland started to spin. I fell asleep. People gave up trying to revive me. I was carried from the car and left in a pile of hay, at the roadside near a barn.
‘Let him eat mangos for breakfast’ laughed Skinny swishing her Mulberry Mabel, standing by the car, well over six foot tall in her platform boots.
‘Yah, he’s no good to us unconscious’, said Buxham, sitting in the car, sweating in her leathers and her hair messed up, fiddling with the zip on her D Squared zips bag.
The car carried on up a hill towards the tractor. I started to become conscious again and now I was a in the tractor trying to start it. I felt different, strangely familiar and very fit. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Fuck, I’m Hugo again. It’s been a long time. Camilla Start-Dart and Rah Stockworth sat either side of me on the bench seat.
‘Come on Hugo darling, you’ve been trying to start the fucker for days now, I’m starting to get jungle rot’ frowned Camilla, with her booted legs crossed; those purple leather Westwood boots.
‘Fucking mechanical things’ said Rah, playing with the zip on her left Prada boot resting the heel up on the dashboard shelf ‘Always letting us down’
‘Overheated’ I said as the tractor engine cranked over slowly. I saw a shiny gold car approaching. I recognized some of the posh faces. So did Camilla and Rah.
Rah opened her lovely lips ‘Darling, It’s Lord Baslington’s car. Oh how super convenient’
‘Fantastic’ I said ‘Old Bazzer can give us a ride back into town’
‘Jolly super fucking luck’ Camilla uncrossed her legs and stood by the tractor in her short leopard mini minidress by Lanvin, waving her purple snake Lanvin clutch bag. ‘Rah’ Stockworth jumped up and down in her green Prada crocodile knee high platform boots and Juicy Couture leopard shorts. She grabbed her black leather Mulberry Mabel bag in anticipation of a lift. It was good to see the beauties so animated again.
‘Bloody hell’ said Lord Baslington ‘Hugo Posset. What in gods name are you doing out here in equatorial Surrey?’
‘Oh my god. Hugo darrrrrling’ cried Zara, arms held out wide. ‘We thought you’d been beaten to death by savages from Leatherhead!’
‘Wow, what a consortium’ I said, seeing the display of demure faces in sunglasses and designer bags. Lord Baslington sitting in the middle of it all, with his bionic cock erect.
‘Hello Hugo, mwah mwah’ said Jibby, kissing me on both cheeks.
‘Have you met Zanna Buxham and Skinny Boodle?’ said Zara, putting her hand straight on my big cock. I looked at her very becoming Alaia shoes. I kissed Skinny and Buxham. I had a good look at Buxham’s Zuhair Murad shoes.
‘Well’ said Lord Baslington ‘Miss Camilla and Miss Charlotte, you are naughty kidnapping Hugo. Come on, all aboard the golden fucktrain’
‘Jolly good’ I said ‘Oh and plenty of booze I see, nice one’
Princess Zuleika ran a finger up the zip of her Balenciaga boot ‘Hello Hugo, I’ve heard quite a lot about you and your big willy and little fetishes. Do you want to fuck me in my boots?’
‘Don’t pass up an offer from kinky Zu old boy’ said Lord Baslington ‘You must be full of fucking mango juice’
‘Yes, I am a bit tired of spitting out mango stones’ I grinned snogging Princess and Zuleika and wanking hard. ‘Those gladiator boots are bloody gorgeous’
‘I say, if this isn’t the damn nicest spot. What a good spot you chose to break down you old fucker’ laughed Lord Baslington.
‘Simply Arcadian’ agreed Skinny.
‘Mmmm, deffo’ said Jemima, wrapped in her chiffon scarf, sitting on the penis.
‘Listen, we’re not all going to fit in the car, terribly sorry, some of you will have to get on the big cock with tall and feisty Jemima.’ Said Lord Baslington.
Skinny and Buxham jumped on the cock, with Jemima. They sensed a glare from Lord Baslington, as if to say, get on that big cock you celebrity bitches.
‘Darling, I’m remaining here, with my wanking hobo’ said Jibby Bream vehemently ‘I know it’s crazy, but I can’t leave him alone out here. He put on a jolly good show at the party and I want him to do it again, I may be able to sell the piece. I’ll be OK’
‘Oh my god. Are you bloody mad, Jibby, you can’t sell a pervey hobo’ said Buxham.
Zara interjected, gesticulating with Cameron. ‘She can, she’s Jibby Bream! Seriously, don’t worry about him; he’s a man of the streets. They’re always getting plastered and waking up in skips and urinated alcoves, darling. You’ll find him on the Fulham Road somewhere next week, wanking off under a dirty duvet’
‘Yah, come on Jibby darling, let’s get slaughtered on Krug and have loads of sex’ said Skinny.
‘Come back with us, you’ll get raped out here by spoonbills’ said Jemima.
‘Who is the gypo in question?’ said Charlotte ‘Rah’ Stockworth, already cozy, bare bum on the cream leather back seat, Prada booted legs crossed, next to Hugo who was pounding away at Princess Zuleika.
‘No, I’ll see you all soon. I’m staying here. Have the rest of what’s left in the ostrich Kelly bag my darlings’ Jibby sat down in the grass and looked like a Helmut Newton photo in her Brioni couture leather and fur outfit, amongst the succulent leaves and tropical flowers. There were indeed spoonbills milling about on the fringes of the mango wood. Harmless birds. They kissed her goodbye.
‘Jibby, see you back in civilization soon, I hope’ said Zara.
‘Love your show Jibby, simply astonishing display’ said Tamara, waving her Balenciaga Lariat bag.

Jibby watched the golden car, with its trailing leather penis and waving coterie drift off into the distance. She would wait for Tom Leather to awaken; it could be a long time. He was in a deep sleep. She covered him with a fur wrap and peeled herself a juicy mango with a small platinum fusion knife she bought at Harrods. What a beautiful spot it was.
The car sped down the A3 back into the biosphere of London, everyone feeling the coolness as they entered town, losing the little globules of sweat on their well-bred bodies.
‘I thought you said we were going to a party, darling’ said Tamara to Lord Baslington, who was snogging Camilla Start-Dart.
‘We are’ he said, breaking the kiss ‘my friend just sent me a message on my Blackberry to say that things were hotting up at The Botty in Sloane Square. The good old Botty, always a giggle. It’s wall to wall half-cut city women with Longchamp bags and very high heels. They can be very naughty after a few white wine Spritzers’
‘Oh good, I’ll message Sarah Cavendish-Peel and Charlotte Foggins, they will be pleased to see me, I should imagine’ I said.
‘Naughty Hugo, always two birds in the bush, eh? Ha ha ha’ Lord Baslington rubbed his hand along Camilla’s purple Vivienne Westwood leather thigh boots and Rah Stockworth’s Prada boots, while Camilla played viola on his erect shaft.
Zara crossed her long legs, getting Hugo’s attention ‘Oh yah, I like the Botty, it’s close to my apartment. We can go there and fuck like goats after.’
‘I haven’t been to The Botty in ages. I once let Hugo sit on my knee for most of the night when he was only wearing his pants!’ projected Jemima.
‘Are you sure it wasn’t the Chelsea Brasserie?’ I had a vague memory of it.
Jemima continued ‘Yah, it was the CB, sorry darling; I knew it was one of the two. It was a few weeks after we met at The Ranger that time, in Parsons Green. Hugo was soooo awfully drunk and horny outside the CB, he kept on looking at my black crocodile stilettos by Dolce & Gabbana, jolly high heels they were too with very slim stiletto heels.’
‘Oh those beauties’ sighed Hugo ‘truly hot’
‘I know, darling, so I made you get on the pavement and kiss them, in front of Jeremy Duke, who was sitting at the next table, looking terribly embarrassed.’
‘Oh happy days’ I said, getting a hard on thinking about it ‘and there was another girl with us, very pissed and naughty. Swearing like a trooper, drinking cocktails.’
‘Yah that was Lucy, darling, when she had her hair brunette and shiny! Lucy Possomsby’ smiled Jemima.
‘I love these fetish tales. We should all go and live in a big stiletto shoe in the country’ said Lord Baslington as the car glided along New Kings Road, under an arch of tall palm trees. Princess Zuleika, Camilla and Rah were sleeping. Tamara nodded, smoking a large cigar. Honor took a drag on the cigar with a leather gloved hand. Skinny and Buxham were quietly spaced out gazing at the fashionable denizens of Chelsea.
Zara was checking her make-up ‘Lucy Possomsby, such a posh PR slut’
‘Lucy Possomsby’ I said ‘She was wearing snagged Wolfords, and a short leather skirt and a Chanel tweed jacket. I remember. I sat on Lucy’s knee for a while too, while she rubbed my cock, she put her hand down my pants and rubbed my penis. In front of Jeremy Duke. I never liked him.’
‘Ha ha, he certainly looked at you with disdain’ added Jemima. ‘The way you changed into such a perve over night really haunted him. He took you for such a prudish old Etonian. I don’t think he ever masturbated’
‘Duke! Not a chance, he was into James Smiths umbrellas, he collected old military books from Spottertons, and he had cobwebs for pubic hair!’ I said. There were snorts of laughter. Even Honor was giggling. She’s a sexy one, that chauffeur, Honor. Bloody nice boots.
‘You were on the floor; darling and Lucy kept saying you were looking up her skirt as you played with yourself. Oh it was sooo disgusting. Lucy was wearing a fabulous pair of Chanel courts, with a zip across the vamp and an embossed logo on the toe.’ Jemima carried on.
‘Nice shoes, those, I gave those a jolly good buffing’ I said
‘Yah, Lucy kept dangling and kicking her shoe off and you were playing fetch like a little pug, bringing it back to her in your mouth, soooo sweet!’ Jemima said
‘She was loving that little game’ I said
‘She was in high spirits after her pay increase, darling, and I was celebrating as Quentessentially had given me an awfully good bonus. We both bought Mulberry Roxy bags, in red and in brown. We bought erotic fashion drawings by Jefferson from a show on the Kings Road. Too divine.’ Jemima laughed.
‘Hugo darling, you have such a naughty shoe fetish’ added Zara, putting her Alaia strappy black leather high-heeled shoe on my crotch, rubbing the bulge with the edge of the sole. I was so spoiled, there was a fantastically expensive shoe making me very horny and Zara’s husky voice whispering dirty things in my ear all the way to Sloane Square. Let’s skip The Botty and head straight to her apartment. Look at her sexy leopard print shorts, with the fly open exhibiting her pretty cunt.
I saw her take the dildo from her big Marc Jacobs Stella bag ‘I say, Zara, that’s a phenomenal size’
‘He’s Cameron, darling’ she whispered ‘Bespoke, actually. I’m going to stick him up your arse later, while you lick my shoes. Yah, Quentessentially do pay well’
‘Is she talking about the dildo or the bag?’ said Lord Baslington ‘Can I watch and wank like a dirty teenager?’
‘Definitely the dildo, darling. Let me wank you’ said Buxham coming back into the conversation.
‘Yah, we can do the kinky conga’ laughed Skinny following suit.
‘Hugo, can I snort coke off your cock? I haven’t done yours yet’ asked Tamara.
‘It’s her thing’ smiled Zara. ‘Although, I’m not averse to it’
‘I’d rather you both did it, simultaneously, there’s plenty of room’ I said.