The Man Who Fucked His Way Across Chelsea and Back Again part 11

SKINNY AND BUXHAM

I found a shop doorway alcove for a bed, opposite Giuseppe Zanotti at Brompton Cross. I had managed to get an old duvet and a pillow from outside a charity shop on the Fulham Road and I was reasonably snug. I started to wank as the light summer rain pattered on the tarmac and the pavement. Ferraris and Porsches zipped by.
Two Sloanes emerged from a noisy party at Joffie’s restaurant across the road; one of them was carrying a bottle of Bollinger. They both wore blue Chanel tweed jackets and expensive leather skirts. They tottered across the road in very high heels. The skinnier of the two was sporting navy blue leather Chloe Betty bag in the crook of her arm. It had chunky leather handles and big zips. The buxom Sloane with blonde hair was carrying large red leather Marc Jacobs Christy shoulder bag, covered in zips. Her shoes were peep-toe platforms by Dolce and Gabbana, in purple.
The two Sloanes stopped and pointed to the spot where I was bedded down in the alcove and they clattered over. Their faces were familiar, I thought, and I continued to play with my cock. They were virtually standing over me. Then I realized it was Skinny Boodle and Zanna Buxham from TV. I noticed Skinny was in a Prada black leather skirt to just above the knee, it hugged her hips perfectly and the little side zip glinted in the evening lights. She unclipped a hair clip and let a mountain of chestnut hair fall below her shoulders.
‘Oh my god’ said Skinny ‘It’s a homeless cunt, ha ha’. She swigged from the bottle of champagne and passed it to Buxham.
‘Yah, he’s fucking playing with his chode, how disgusting’ said Buxom, practically standing on my face with those purple platform heels.
‘Darling’ Skinny pointed at me ‘the stains on your duvet do not go with your dirty pillow whatsoever’ She modeled her leather skirt as she shifted weight onto one beautiful leg and I ogled her Chanel two-tone court shoe with a six inch heel. I wanked as they both criticized my bedding arrangement.
‘Yah, I mean, oh my god’ added Buxham ‘Who goes to bed in a stained rose pattern duvet in this part of town?’
‘Yah, I think it’s just sooo not done, darling’ agreed Skinny, ‘oh my god, is he looking up your fucking skirt. He is. He’s soooo looking up your skirt’ She balanced on a Chanel heel, pivoting elegantly, despite much drunkenness. My eyes lingered on the heel as I wanked away. I flicked my gaze to Buxham and I noticed she was going commando up her Oscar de la Renta mauve leather skirt. As she stood over my face, I could see her neatly trimmed cunt.
‘Darling, can you see up my skirt?’ Buxham asked. Yes, I could. I kept wanking.
‘Disgusting fucking hobo’ laughed Skinny, puffing on a Marlboro Light. She threw the empty packet at me. ‘You dirty fucking hobo, looking up my best friend’s skirt!’
‘Yah, completely disgusting’ agreed Buxham in her expensive platforms. She had an amazing pedicure. Immaculate toes.
‘I’m going back to the party’ said Skinny ‘it’s jolly breezy tonight and my vagina is feeling the brunt!’
‘Your cunt!?’ Buxham snorted, shaking the chunky zip pulls on her Marc Jacobs shoulder bag, making lots of noise ‘I’m not wearing any panties under my leather skirt so I’m the one who should be fucking complaining. Maybe we can get this dirty pikey to wank a bit faster so he can induce a bit of heat and counteract the breeze! Oh gosh, I’m so fucking creative. I should really be in marketing’
‘Oh yah! Simply ingenious’ agreed Skinny, unzipping her Chloe Betty bag. She put on some Gianfranco Ferre black leather gloves. ‘I still say that duvet does not go with the pillow’
‘I know’ I said, speaking for the first time ‘but the spunk stains later will go well with your gloves’
The two Sloanes were silent, looking at me in both disgust and pleasure at the same time, swigging Bollinger. ‘It speaks’ said Buxham.
‘So’ said Skinny ‘Not only are you a disgustingly chavvy perve, you also fancy yourself as a bit of a style pundit?’
I wanked casually, looking at Buxham’s painted big toe peeping out of purple leather.
‘He’s looking at my shoes, the pervey fucker’ snapped Buxham as a Ferrari roared past. A hooter sounded.
‘Oh I think he’s got a shoe fetish, how divine’ purred Skinny, momentarily twitching to see the Ferrari.
‘Yes, you filthy cunt, look at my fucking heels’ said Buxham ‘You know, I’m a respectable upper middle class fashion consultant! I have a house at the fucking Boltons! I own two four-by-fours and a Ferrari. What the fuck do you have, you peasant! I want you to wank and wank and fucking wank over my Dolce and Gabbana platform shoes and you fucking remember who was wearing them’
Skinny slurred a bit ‘Oh Zanna, you hot bitch! You’re a sexy upper class Sloaney toff and you live at the fucking Boltons and you are flashing your Sloaney snatch to a homeless man’
‘Yah, The Boltons!’ boasted Buxham ‘The trees in the gardens are in full fucking leaf this time of year. I often frig myself looking out of the window, breathing in the sweet aroma of summer’
Skinny continued ‘Zanna darling, you’re getting such a thrill, you feel totally superior because he’s so far down the social ladder. You’ll soon be returning to your luxury house in The Boltons and you will be lounging about on your new leather ‘And So To Bed’ bed all set about with fur throws from Liberty, rolling naked on leather, frigging your badger. You’ll probably select one of your biggest vibrators from a large Krug champagne bucket and buzz your way to sleep, after loads of multiple super orgasms.’
‘Obviously’ added Buxham, drinking more Bolly.
Oh fuck I was wanking furiously, listening to their plummy accents, and ogling their shiny leather skirts, lingering on Skinny’s long bare legs. Skinny crouched down. The evening lights were dancing on her shiny knees.
‘Now let me see if my new Ferre leather gloves go with your dirty willy’ said Skinny, sliding a cool leather glove under the duvet and rubbing my penis.
A police car pulled up. A window rolled down.
‘Everything OK’ asked a policeman. ‘Is he alright?’
‘Yah, everyone’s fine’ assured Buxham ‘We’re just sorting out a homeless person with a few cigarettes and a light’
‘No problem ladies, have a splendid evening’ The policeman smiled and drove off.
Buxham, teetering on her Dolce and Gabbana shoe, pushed the sole into my chin. I started to go into pre-orgasmic spasms and within seconds there was a large wet patch on my duvet. Skinny removed her hand and licked the spunk off her fingers.
‘Jolly exquisite taste’ licked Skinny. ‘Goes rather well with Bolly’
‘Mission accomplished’ said Buxham.
‘Yah, come on Zanna darling, let’s go and binge on more caviar and forget this whole episode ever happened. No-one will believe a fucking hobo.’ Skinny took the glove off and threw it at me. I noticed she enjoyed throwing things at me. Her expensive glove was now just an item of refuse.
‘What about the cigarettes?’ I asked
‘Fuck off hobo’ replied Skinny.
I watched the two leather-skirted Sloanes totter back into Joffie’s, weaving in and out of Porsche Cayennes and Ferraris and Bentleys parked up in Draycott Avenue. I decided to have another wank for good measure and I found some sex drugs in that discarded packet of Marlboro. Lovely Skinny! I popped the purple and pink pills. I was well practiced at the art of keeping myself on the brink of orgasm for a long time and these pills worked wonders.
After a while Skinny and Buxham emerged from Joffie’s completely sozzled and decided to come and pay me another visit.
‘Hello darling scummy hobo’ brayed Buxham, with large sunglasses on her head. Diors. The buckles on her Dolce and Gabbana shoes were shining better than ever.
‘Still here then, you fucking perve’ Skinny laughed. Skinny, smoothing her Prada leather skirt and swinging her Chloe bag like a Parisian demi monde. She was now wearing a chiffon scarf with high heels of various sorts printed on it.
‘Look at my cunt you homeless wanker!’ Buxham snorted, in her ultra posh accent. The drunkenness made her sound even posher than usual.
‘Yah, look at her cunt’ giggled Skinny, swaying and teetering on the pavement. I was masturbating furiously, getting occasional whiffs of perfume and leather. Skinny was now wearing a Hermes black leather jacket.
‘You look sooo kinky tonight Skinny in all that black leather’ said Buxham turning her gaze at me and taking a big gold vibrator out of her Marc Jacobs bag. ‘I want you to stick this up your arse you fucking peasant’.
‘Yahhh! Fantastic’ said Skinny.
I obliged and inserted the beast up my bum, while still wanking and switched the implement to full speed.
‘Ha ha ha ha, you made a hobo stick a dildo up his arse!’ Skinny was ecstatic.
‘Yah’ added Buxham ‘and what’s more, that vibrator has pleasured my wet vagina on so many occasions, sometimes in the back of my Porsche Cayenne back at the Boltons and when I’ve been racing down the Old Brompton Road’
‘Super’ said Skinny’ she does those fucking television programmes, but privately she is a kinky maniac leather dildo queen’. I started getting those near orgasm spasms.
‘Yah, go for it you pikey’ brayed Buxham. The spunk shot from my cock like one of the fountains in The Royal Hotel. Globules landed on Skinny’s bag.
‘Oh my God, what a shot’ laughed Buxham.
‘You’ve spunked on my Chloe bag’ Skinny frowned, crouching down and wiping the spunk on my duvet.
‘Anyway, we’re off now, peasant, we’ve got luxury homes to go back to’ smiled Buxham.
‘I’ve got an idea, let’s take him back to your place’ suggested Skinny
‘You’re having a fucking laugh’ said Buxham, taking her car keys out of her Marc Jacobs bag with a leather gloved hand. She had put on her Chanel red leather driving gloves. She was in no state to drive.
‘It’ll be OK, just give him the dog’s bed’ laughed Skinny
‘No no no, it’s too posh for him’ said Buxham.
‘Oh just this once’ said Skinny, ‘he can sleep on the floor’.
‘Well, OK, just this once, while Rupert is away, but no naughty stuff at The Boltons’ Buxham walked over the road and got in the Porsche Cayenne and started it up. ‘And no wanking in the back of my car’
‘Yah, we don’t want stains on the sumptuous leather seats’ affirmed Skinny as we got in the vehicle. The strong aroma of leather hit me like the first time I went in Tanner Krolle on Old Bond Street. Within minutes we were speeding around the back streets of South Ken, down the Fulham Road, up Hollywood Road and into Priory Walk. Oh what a manor.
Buxham’s dildo was still up my arse. I retrieved it and threw it on the back seat. What a sight. A dirty dildo on such luxury leather upholstery.
‘Oh Zanna darling’ asked Skinny ‘I just want to nip over to my place and change. I won’t be a minute’.
Skinny lived in a big Priory Walk house. Five minutes later Skinny emerged in a green Givenchy leather skirt and Moschino black and white jacket and green leather stiletto knee high boots by Sergio Rossi with silver zips (not ring zips). She was swinging purple leather Chloe Paddington bag in the crook of her arm. I heard somebody mention she had over two hundred Chloe bags.
‘Now they are fuckable boots’ said Buxham.
‘Infinitely fuckable boots, they’re by Sergio Rossi’ said Skinny. ‘Besides, those Chanel shoes were scuffed from too much fucking’
‘Oh dear, take those to the Exchange tomorrow’ insisted Buxham. ‘You’ll get a thousand quid for them, signed’
Skinny crossed her newly booted legs and threw her Chloe bag into the back, next to Buxham’s Marc Jacobs bag. I was cocooned in leather accessories.
‘Yah, you need to find a big cock, darling, to fuck you all night in those sexy Prada boots’ moaned Buxham, rubbing the gear stick with her Chanel driving gloves.
‘Oh yahhh I soooo neeed a biiiiig cock!’ throbbed Skinny with her big lips. I was now as erect as the Gherkin.
‘I know our hobo would oblige’ winked Buxham. ‘Hey you fucker, I said no wanking in the back there, how dare you disobey me’
‘Oops’ I muttered.
‘Yah we said no wanking in the Cayenne. Get the fuck out!’ Skinny was emphatic. I shot my load all over their bags and bid them farewell.
‘Fuck you! You spunked on our bags’ screamed Buxham out of the window as the Cayenne wheel spun and whizzed off into fabulous tree-lined avenues. No naughtiness tonight for me with the Boodle Buxham duo.
It must have been four in the morning. I found a shed in some private gardens and fell asleep on a tatty old armchair, amid the smell of old tools in the dark. What bathos! I thought of fucking Skinny in those boots in the back of the Cayenne with Buxham going at it with that gold vibrator. I came on an old painting, before I got some shut eye.